Injustice and Gratitude

I choose to live in a space of gratitude. Because it's an injustice to be otherwise.

After stopping work for 8 months, I finally made an EXECUTIVE decision to go back to work. Never mind that it's not the ideal job that I wanted. Never mind that it's not give me the comforts of the corporate life that I've gotten used to. Never mind that it pays me only a fraction of what I used to enjoy. Never mind that I still can't go back to the lifestyle I was used to before.

I didn't anticipate that my period of soul-searching, self-reflection, and career-exploration will go beyond May but circumstances made it that way. It didn't help that I was in denial of the fact that I had my fair share of responsibility for the situation I got myself into.

It's an injustice to myself to continue being professionally idle and financially scarce for an extended period while doing volunteer work that was supposed to enhance other people's life. I am not being in integrity with the philosophy I have been actively promoting. It's true what they say, you can't give what you don't have.

It's an injustice that I have unabashedly began to accept treats (well, blessings) from close friends and family more often than what is prudent simply because I felt financially less than and would need some "rescuing". I have been using my bumhood status to avoid taking control of my life. I am doing an injustice to the organizations that I've been involved in because instead of practicing the teachings, I have been doing the opposite.

It's an injustice that my mom has to be shoulder some of my prescription medicines fees, gas money whenever I use the car, among others, because I didn't want to use up my savings.
It's an injustice that I have been putting up with a mouse that has been going bonkers because I didn't want to spend extra.
It's an injustice that I have not been able to enjoy decent shopping for clothes and shoes for almost a year now. The last time I did purchase a blouse was for a wedding coordination assistance work I did for a friend. Not for pleasure.
It's an injustice that I no longer can afford to buy books that I want.
It's an injustice that I already count each text message that I send out to make sure that I don't exceed my monthly cellphone plan's budget allocation.
It's an injustice that I can no longer keep the promise I made to myself that I will do at least 1 foreign and 1 local travel each year starting 2003. It's only this year that I had not made any foreign travel.
It's an injustice that I have lapsed payment of my SSS since I stopped working.
It's an injustice that I know have to shell out hundreds and thousands of bucks for my dental and medical care whereas before, my company HMO covers it.
It's an injustice that my younger sister is now treating me instead of me treating her.
It's an injustice that I no longer invite my close friends out because I don't want to go through the hassle of organizing and spending. Actually I have been avoiding contact with them.
It's an injustice that I can no longer pay for pampering services from salons and spas whereas before I can readily spend for them.

I realize that while money may not be everything, it does afford me a comfortable lifestyle, a status I can be proud of, the ability to treat people whenever I want to, and the capacity to purchase some things for pleasure and not just for necessity.

Enough of the injustice I've been inflicting on myself.

I should also be grateful of what I had learned during this defining year of my life, which coincides with my 3 decades of existence. I may not have been able to travel to a foreign land but the situations that I've encountered certainly are foreign to me and they further enrich my life experiences.

I got a preview of what it's like to be one of the below and the corresponding price to pay:
- Bazaar Merchant
- Visual Artist/Painter
- Seminar Staffer
- Entrepreneur
- Corporate Giveway Designer/Dealer
- Networker
- Freelance Insurance Agent
- Real Estate Franchise Agent
- Wedding Coordinator
- Training Assistant
- Life Coachee
- Life Coach
- Public Speaker
- Business Process Consultant
- Yogilates student
- Belly-Dancing student
- Interviewee

Of course, I never went all the way. Some of them my involvement was just for 1 training/overview session, some more. A few I invested significant time already. But I am grateful for the experience.

What have I realized so far?
- I enjoy Yogilates. Why? Because of the momentary peace of mind and flow of energy throughout my body through stretching, breathing, and meditation.
- I enjoy Belly Dancing. Why? Because of the training for spontaneity with the movement of my hips, arms, legs, and neck.
- I love the experience of being a Life Coach. Why? Because I saw my mirror in the players. Because what I say or don't say, do or don't do, think or don't think impact other people's lives. I am an agent of positive change.
- I love the experience of being a Seminar Staffer and Training Assistant. Why? Because of the access to learnings about life from the facilitator and the participants.
- I love the positive support learning environment in Toastmasters. Why? Because I get immediate feedback on how to improve my communication skills.
- I don't feel comfortable with having to do sales or leads generation. I'd like to keep my personal and professional relationships separate. I don't like to have an agenda in my relationships.
- Discipline, commitment, focus, and clarity work for me.

So what does that make of me? What are my strengths? Where do I go from here? Where should I focus myself professionally? I don't know. Maybe time can tell. But hopefully clarity of my life purpose will shine on me before my next birthday. Maybe you can see what I can't.