Letting go

Letting go is easier said than done.

Last July 16, I let go of an opportunity to staff Basic even if I was already standing by the doorstep and all it took was to take a smal step forward and I'm in but I didn't because the meetings would take away my time and concentration that was supposed to be used for jobhunting.

Last July 18, I let go of notions of becoming a full time entrepreneur and freelance worker in favor of jobhunting, even if I have invested 7 consecutive Wednesdays in character formation workshops and have been inducted as a member of that organization. I finally humbled myself to meet up with a relative who was kind enough to consider hiring me.

Last July 20, I let go of an opportunity to staff Heroic because it would mean having to file a week-long leave from my future employer. I didn't want to get into a "leave" debt from my would-be boss even before I started "producing". It would also been rushing from an out-of-town venue on the last day to be able to get to my good friend's wedding ceremony on time.

Last July 25, I let go of an opportunity to work at a relative's business that was supposed to start on Aug. 1 because it wasn't paying as well as my past two jobs even if I badly needed a job. I didn't think that settling for just any job was a manifestation of my greatness and a good use of what I'm fully capable of.

Last July 31, I let go of an opportunity to join the Mid-Year Toastmasters' Convention in Bacolod because it was a want, not a need. I thought for once, I should not rush into "collecting" another experience that I may not immediately benefit from at the expense of something I should be doing, where I can immediately benefit from (i.e. jobhunting...again).

Do you know? I struggle everytime I let go. Painfully, I let go. I cry each time, sometimes out of frustration, sometimes out of self-pity. I hate myself for putting myself into this situation because of my folly in my previous job.

Am I crazy? I hope not.

Perhaps something good would come out of letting go, because it means I am gradually learning what is essential to me. It means I am gradually recognizing that certain opportunities have proper timings associated and rushing into something without wholehearted physical and mental preparation would only jeopardize things further, with myself and my pride as the biggest casualties.

I think I am regaining my sanity. For a slow decision-maker like me, I am finally making some wise decisions of which I know I will benefit from in the long run.

Oprah said...doubt means don't. My buddy said so too. I believe them. Because I attain peace of mind each time I follow my inner conscience. I learn that I struggle whenever something wrong is battling with something right. Inevitable, something right will prevail when I am on purpose.