Letting go

Letting go is easier said than done.

Last July 16, I let go of an opportunity to staff Basic even if I was already standing by the doorstep and all it took was to take a smal step forward and I'm in but I didn't because the meetings would take away my time and concentration that was supposed to be used for jobhunting.

Last July 18, I let go of notions of becoming a full time entrepreneur and freelance worker in favor of jobhunting, even if I have invested 7 consecutive Wednesdays in character formation workshops and have been inducted as a member of that organization. I finally humbled myself to meet up with a relative who was kind enough to consider hiring me.

Last July 20, I let go of an opportunity to staff Heroic because it would mean having to file a week-long leave from my future employer. I didn't want to get into a "leave" debt from my would-be boss even before I started "producing". It would also been rushing from an out-of-town venue on the last day to be able to get to my good friend's wedding ceremony on time.

Last July 25, I let go of an opportunity to work at a relative's business that was supposed to start on Aug. 1 because it wasn't paying as well as my past two jobs even if I badly needed a job. I didn't think that settling for just any job was a manifestation of my greatness and a good use of what I'm fully capable of.

Last July 31, I let go of an opportunity to join the Mid-Year Toastmasters' Convention in Bacolod because it was a want, not a need. I thought for once, I should not rush into "collecting" another experience that I may not immediately benefit from at the expense of something I should be doing, where I can immediately benefit from (i.e. jobhunting...again).

Do you know? I struggle everytime I let go. Painfully, I let go. I cry each time, sometimes out of frustration, sometimes out of self-pity. I hate myself for putting myself into this situation because of my folly in my previous job.

Am I crazy? I hope not.

Perhaps something good would come out of letting go, because it means I am gradually learning what is essential to me. It means I am gradually recognizing that certain opportunities have proper timings associated and rushing into something without wholehearted physical and mental preparation would only jeopardize things further, with myself and my pride as the biggest casualties.

I think I am regaining my sanity. For a slow decision-maker like me, I am finally making some wise decisions of which I know I will benefit from in the long run.

Oprah said...doubt means don't. My buddy said so too. I believe them. Because I attain peace of mind each time I follow my inner conscience. I learn that I struggle whenever something wrong is battling with something right. Inevitable, something right will prevail when I am on purpose.

The Trip That Kills

I have been in a perpetual state of depression since I resigned from my job. That was 6 months ago.

Perpetual sounds like a long time. Like forever. It actually is.

So what is it that I wanted to say?

Being the analyst that I am, I would like to analyze what depression is to me.

Depression is...

• Waking up each morning hating myself for not having a real steady job.
• Hating myself for taking character formation seminars on entrepreneurship, "graduating", only to find to out that I'm not yet ready to venture into the world of entrepreneurship.
• Hating myself whenever somebody asks me where I'm working now or what I'm doing now and I have no choice but to answer the truth, that "I'm a bum" or "I'm out of work".
• Hating myself for not being spiritual.
  
• Being cranky everyday the whole day.
• Hating myself for overstaying at home.
• Hating myself for finding out that my vitals organs are each getting weaker by the day.
• Hating myself for sabotaging my health further by eating irresponsibly but for short term pleasures.
• Hating that person who changed my world by not trusting me enough.
• Hating myself for not being able to forgive and forget.
• Hating myself for having to experience the statement in "Don't Quit", "when the funds are low and the debts are high, and you want to smile but you have to sigh".
• Hating myself for being financial scarce.
• Hating myself for being too idealistic.
• Hating myself for being stubborn.
• Hating myself for going back to my pessimistic, self-defeating self.
  

Hate is such a strong word. It kills. It is killing me softly each and everyday. Whatever happened to love? Whatever happened to all the positive, feel-good seminars that I've invested in when I was still with excess funds? Whatever happened to all the meditation, nature trip activities I've experienced? Whatever happened to my friends from different organizations? Whatever happened to all my explorations?

I'm tired. I just want to sleep. In fact, I kept on sleeping to forget everything. I do but then when I wake up, all my troubles are still present.

I started turning in to a classical radio station in iTunes...somehow I got relaxed. Relax...relax...gotta ground myself...gotta find my peace...gotta find my happiness...gotta move forward...gotta face my problems...gotta face reality...gotta pick up to where I left...gotta drink water to quench my thirst and cleanse my body...gotta be considerate to people...gotta stop blaming myself for my irrationality...gotta love myself once again...gotta smile back as i face the mirror...gotta forgive myself for not being effective at work...gotta be patient with finding the right job...gotta take one day at a time...gotta show more love to people around me...gotta be more sensitive to the needs of others...gotta leave my own self-destructive word...

I am suddenly reminded of a mass song that we used to sing way back in grade school... I searched for the full lyrics and pasted them...

"A Place In The Sun"

Like a long lonely stream
I keep runnin' towards a dream
Movin' on, movin' on
Like a branch on a tree
I keep reachin' to be free
Movin' on, movin' on

'Cause there's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
And before my life is done
Got to find me a place in the sun

Like an old dusty road
I get weary from the load
Movin' on, movin' on
Like this tired troubled earth
I've been rollin' since my birth
Movin' on, movin' on

There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
And before my life is done
Got to find me a place in the sun

You know when times are bad
And you're feeling sad
I want you to always remember

Yes, there's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone...

I must visit the gym tomorrow...which is actually today already.

I need to do some physical activity to keep the depression away.

Good night!