Injustice and Gratitude

I choose to live in a space of gratitude. Because it's an injustice to be otherwise.

After stopping work for 8 months, I finally made an EXECUTIVE decision to go back to work. Never mind that it's not the ideal job that I wanted. Never mind that it's not give me the comforts of the corporate life that I've gotten used to. Never mind that it pays me only a fraction of what I used to enjoy. Never mind that I still can't go back to the lifestyle I was used to before.

I didn't anticipate that my period of soul-searching, self-reflection, and career-exploration will go beyond May but circumstances made it that way. It didn't help that I was in denial of the fact that I had my fair share of responsibility for the situation I got myself into.

It's an injustice to myself to continue being professionally idle and financially scarce for an extended period while doing volunteer work that was supposed to enhance other people's life. I am not being in integrity with the philosophy I have been actively promoting. It's true what they say, you can't give what you don't have.

It's an injustice that I have unabashedly began to accept treats (well, blessings) from close friends and family more often than what is prudent simply because I felt financially less than and would need some "rescuing". I have been using my bumhood status to avoid taking control of my life. I am doing an injustice to the organizations that I've been involved in because instead of practicing the teachings, I have been doing the opposite.

It's an injustice that my mom has to be shoulder some of my prescription medicines fees, gas money whenever I use the car, among others, because I didn't want to use up my savings.
It's an injustice that I have been putting up with a mouse that has been going bonkers because I didn't want to spend extra.
It's an injustice that I have not been able to enjoy decent shopping for clothes and shoes for almost a year now. The last time I did purchase a blouse was for a wedding coordination assistance work I did for a friend. Not for pleasure.
It's an injustice that I no longer can afford to buy books that I want.
It's an injustice that I already count each text message that I send out to make sure that I don't exceed my monthly cellphone plan's budget allocation.
It's an injustice that I can no longer keep the promise I made to myself that I will do at least 1 foreign and 1 local travel each year starting 2003. It's only this year that I had not made any foreign travel.
It's an injustice that I have lapsed payment of my SSS since I stopped working.
It's an injustice that I know have to shell out hundreds and thousands of bucks for my dental and medical care whereas before, my company HMO covers it.
It's an injustice that my younger sister is now treating me instead of me treating her.
It's an injustice that I no longer invite my close friends out because I don't want to go through the hassle of organizing and spending. Actually I have been avoiding contact with them.
It's an injustice that I can no longer pay for pampering services from salons and spas whereas before I can readily spend for them.

I realize that while money may not be everything, it does afford me a comfortable lifestyle, a status I can be proud of, the ability to treat people whenever I want to, and the capacity to purchase some things for pleasure and not just for necessity.

Enough of the injustice I've been inflicting on myself.

I should also be grateful of what I had learned during this defining year of my life, which coincides with my 3 decades of existence. I may not have been able to travel to a foreign land but the situations that I've encountered certainly are foreign to me and they further enrich my life experiences.

I got a preview of what it's like to be one of the below and the corresponding price to pay:
- Bazaar Merchant
- Visual Artist/Painter
- Seminar Staffer
- Entrepreneur
- Corporate Giveway Designer/Dealer
- Networker
- Freelance Insurance Agent
- Real Estate Franchise Agent
- Wedding Coordinator
- Training Assistant
- Life Coachee
- Life Coach
- Public Speaker
- Business Process Consultant
- Yogilates student
- Belly-Dancing student
- Interviewee

Of course, I never went all the way. Some of them my involvement was just for 1 training/overview session, some more. A few I invested significant time already. But I am grateful for the experience.

What have I realized so far?
- I enjoy Yogilates. Why? Because of the momentary peace of mind and flow of energy throughout my body through stretching, breathing, and meditation.
- I enjoy Belly Dancing. Why? Because of the training for spontaneity with the movement of my hips, arms, legs, and neck.
- I love the experience of being a Life Coach. Why? Because I saw my mirror in the players. Because what I say or don't say, do or don't do, think or don't think impact other people's lives. I am an agent of positive change.
- I love the experience of being a Seminar Staffer and Training Assistant. Why? Because of the access to learnings about life from the facilitator and the participants.
- I love the positive support learning environment in Toastmasters. Why? Because I get immediate feedback on how to improve my communication skills.
- I don't feel comfortable with having to do sales or leads generation. I'd like to keep my personal and professional relationships separate. I don't like to have an agenda in my relationships.
- Discipline, commitment, focus, and clarity work for me.

So what does that make of me? What are my strengths? Where do I go from here? Where should I focus myself professionally? I don't know. Maybe time can tell. But hopefully clarity of my life purpose will shine on me before my next birthday. Maybe you can see what I can't.

My Unofficial Resume

2008 has been a challenging year for me. Undoubtedly.

Being someone who likes to associate official job titles and level of income with the level of self-worth, I value myself at zero for being a bum between Feb. 6 to Oct. 5, 2008.

I have gone through 8 months of soul-searching, career exploration, and self-discovery. Despite having no official job title and no steady stream of income, I will try to log my accomplishments for those months even if it will never be part of my official job resume.

They say that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Someday I shall look back and find this post amusing. But for now, allow me to use this blog posting as a venue to dump my sorry emotions.

Feb. 19 - May 25 - Became a player for a life coaching program. I was surrounded by successful people except myself.

May - July - Attended 7 consecutive Wednesdays of team & values formation workshop sponsored by an entrepreneurship organization. Got inducted as a member but no longer showed up for the planning sessions and activities. I figured I wasn't ready to be an entrepreneur even if I had dreamt of becoming freelance.

Aug. 13 - Nov. 9 - Became a coach for a life coaching program. I was surrounded by achiever players.

Sept. 20 - Missed my former colleague's out-of-town wedding. She was dear to me because she was my sole confidante at my former job. I have saved her wedding date in my cellphone calendar since the start of the year to remind myself that I will attend her wedding no matter what. I did an RSVP but didn't show up because I didn't have a ride. I allowed my financial limitation to become an obstacle. Now she's probably in London with her hubby for good. And although I texted her to ask to meet up, I didn't really go all the way to make sure that we see each other before she leaves her home country for good.

Oct. 1 - My mom's birthday. I didn't buy her a gift because I was feeling scarce since I had no income. I didn't feel like spending a fortune using my emergency savings. I ended up contributing 200 bucks only to my younger sis for my share of a plain Red Ribbon Sansrival cake that didn't impress the rest of the members of our family and bro-in-law's come cake-blowing time after enjoying an abundant lunch meal of seafood lauriat dishes. Can't blame them. I felt bad myself. Even the candles representing 6 decades of her birth were grocery-quality candlesticks from my sis. I could have insisted on buying "6" and "0" number candles but I didn't feel like spending extra.

- to be continued -

Dumbguard Knowledge

OPENING

(Do the rifle drill) Bang, bang, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. (Rest the rifle on the ground.)

Fellow Toastmasters and guests, good evening.

My Grade School Life

I have been the “typical” quiet, shy type of girl during my grade school years. I abhor recitations, voluntary or graded, in the seat and more so in front of the class. I don’t raise my hand to speak up even if I know the answer. I don’t talk to strangers nor do I mingle with my “noisier” classmates because they belong to the “talkative” group while I belong to the “behaved” group.

Day in, day out, I ride the school bus so I never get to hang around with my classmates after dismissal. I bring my own lunch box and usually eat with 1 or 2 girl friends during noontime. I never joined declamation contests, singing contests, or math & science quiz bees. I have never been a class officer nor have I been nominated to be one. My scores in the report card were all black and I occasionally make it to the honor roll. However, one thing I didn’t like was that my report cards repeatedly show “shy” and “timid” in the Remarks section.

My High School Life

Thus upon finishing Grade 6, I said to myself, I wanted a different life. I wanted to be exposed. I joined the Patrol Leader & Senior Patrol Leader Training Courses the summer vacations before my freshman and sophomore years. I learned to cheer, chant, sing, and serve. I learned to tie fancy knots, join camping trips, trek Mt. Makiling and participate in team activities. I started to get a feel of what “fun” is like.

Still, I felt that something was missing with my being a scout leader. Perhaps because I had to pretend that I was a leader even if leading doesn’t come naturally to me. Being the stiff and serious person that I am, I also associated the word “having fun” with “being shallow”. Obviously, I didn’t want to be shallow.

Thus during the last quarter of my sophomore year, I joined the Commissioned Officer Candidate Course under the Citizens’ Army Training department. There, life became more exciting. Being trainees, we were tagged as Cadet (short “a”) and Cadet (long “a”) Dumbguards for gentlemen and ladies, respectively.

As part of our training routine, we had to report to our training officers during breaktimes for our assignments. We would always have our white tickler notebook, black ballpen, white hanky, and rosary ready for inspection. We were asked to memorize poems such as Don’t Quit, Unity, Invictus, Credenda, and Desiderata. Some were actually a page long. Interestingly enough, they call the entire collection of inspirational poems and quotations as the “Dumbguard Knowledge”.

Role Playing

Me: Ma’am CDT/DBG xxx yyy, reporting for duty ma’am.
OFFICER: Recite “Unity”.
Me: Ma’am, “Unity”! I am only one but I am one. I cannot do everything but I can do something. What I can do, I ought to do and what I ought to do by the grace of God, I will do. Ma’am!
OFFICER: Good. Recite “Don’t Quit”.
Me: Ma’am, “Don’t Quit”!
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit. Ma’am!

Yes, I learned to answer in terms of “Sir, yes, Sir”, or “Ma’am, no, Ma’am”. Our training was rigorous. During summer vacation, while my batchmates were busy with their theater art performances, choir practices, varsity games, I was busy crawling on the floor with my rifle, doing sit ups, push ups, duck walks, and jogging around the gym perimeters while holding my dear rifle close to me. We developed endurance, courage, and discipline through polishing of our buckles, pins, shoes, eating square meals, standing upright under the sweltering heat of the sun, guarding the camp perimeters in the dark of the night, and doing our rifle and sword drills. Right and wrong was learned in terms of the merits and demerits we received.

Dumbguard Knowledge and my Life

Fellow toastmasters and guests, I may have lost my spontaneity somewhere in the process of being a cadet officer but what I got from it was priceless. I learned about excellence, punctuality, camaraderie, responsibility, and respect for authority. Memorizing the DUMBGUARD KNOWLEDGE may not have made much sense to me before… but it sure has helped built my character and equip me in dealing w/ life’s challenges through the years.

When I feel powerless, I would draw strength from Invictus --- “I am the master of my faith, I am the captain of my soul.”

When I feel troubled, I would be calmed by lines from Credenda. “Be unafraid. Nothing here can harm you except yourself. Do that which you dread and cherish those victories with pride.”

I have grown a lot since grade school and I now have the courage to speak up in front of a class. And if I were to receive a report card again, I will definitely not see the remarks “shy” and “timid” anymore. Good evening.

ENDING

(Pick up rifle and do my farewell act “Tumiwalag”. “Sa-wa-lo” (turn around). “Sa-wa-lo” (leave stage)

- taken from my Basic Speech Project #6 -