Good Mourning

Until when will I learn to accept the fact that I have messed up?
Until when will I learn to accept the fact that I have made big mistakes?
Until when will I learn to accept the fact that one of the biggest risks I took to get out of my comfort zone did not end up as I had expected?
Until when will I learn to accept the fact that a person I have great admiration for doesn't like me?
Until when will I learn to accept the fact that I need to take responsibility for my mistakes?
Until when will I move on? I've already let almost 3 good years past.

Until when will I reconcile with that person? Am I not yet done with my atonement? Haven't I wasted enough time?
Is is about that person, or is it about that part of me that is reflected in that person?

When will I find answers? Will I find answers before I turn 33? I sure hope so. The answer lies in my hands.

Three years of searching for answers. I can feel the end of the string. Though I kept reverting back at the beginning.

I'm tired of talking about the same old sob story over and over. Sometimes with more emotions, sometimes less.

How did this happen? Why did this happen? What lesson am I meant to learn from this experience? Why does this past keep on haunting me? Why have I given up on myself? When will I redeem myself? What will it take to redeem myself? What will it take for me to understand why my worst side showed up when I wanted to happen was to show my best side? Was it because I was trying too hard? Or is it because my worst side goes hand in hand with my best side? Am I making any sense at all? Is this what they call the shadow?

How do I befriend my shadow? Maybe that person is my shadow. Maybe I see my mirror in her. She is my mirror. And it's not about her. It's about me. There is something about her that she has been resisting. And there is something about me that I'm resisting. And I can feel it. She addresses it by avoiding it. I address mine by avoiding it. And in effect, it's not addressed. We are merely running away from issues that we eventually have to face.

But I highly respect her. Does that mean that I know there is something in me that I still have respect for, but I just opted to mess it up so that I can prove to myself that I'm a failure? What benefit do I get from proving myself that I'm a failure?

She has rejected me. I have rejected myself more than once. It's painful and it hurts. I have not been acknowledging the pain that I inflict upon myself.

Do I actually draw pleasure from this pain? No I don't. It's just that I'm used to it. I have become numbed. I have forgotten how to feel. I have forgotten how to express my feelings.

When was the last time that I have learned to express myself without inhibitions? College? High school? Grade school? Kindergarden? When I was a toddler? When? I couldn't remember. It has always been about pleasing other people. It has always been about masking my true feelings, till I can no longer distinguish what is true and what is un-true.

But I can't live this way all my life. I have dreams. Don't I? Yes, I do. I know my greatness is waiting to be unleashed, once I give it permission. How many seminars and workshops do I have to attend in order for this greatness to be unleashed? How many thousands of pesos do I have to spend in order for me to "discover" what I already now.

My coach asked me to be authentic.

My counselor asked me to "listen within"...to be honest with my own feelings. She has been doing this work for 15 years officially, and 5 years unofficially, for a total of 20 years. She can recognize talent. She knows I have great talents. So it's really up to me if I want to acknowledge and use them.

My spiritual mentor once asked me, since when did I develop my inferiority complex? Told her, since grade school. I was always out-of-place. Then, she added, what is the greatest pain that I can ever know? I mumbled some answer that I wasn't sure of....and she said something that I could never forget. "The greatest pain is knowing your greatness, because that would invalidate everything you know to be true about yourself."

I couldn't sleep that night. She was right. I know there is greatness in me. But I hold it back. Because I'm used to the safety and comforts of being a failure. Failure is more predicable for me. I can handle it much better than success.

So what now?

Last Tuesday, my counselor asked me to write a letter to myself about the things I would like to grieve about, but didn't get to. And my wishes in life.

Guess a good mourning is long overdue.

I grieve about the loss of my dad. I grieve about not being able to hug him while him he was strong and healthy. I grieve about not being able to hear him talk about his life story. I grieve about not being able to say "I love you." to him. I grieve about not being to learn his electrical troubleshooting skills. I grieve about not being to repair broken electromechanical stuff successfully. I destroy more than I can repair. I grieve about not being able to spend quality time with him. I grieve about not being able to learn about handling life, business, and finances from him.

I grieve about the lost opportunities in life because of the programs of fear that I've bought from my mom. I grieve about not having the courage to work abroad because my mom told me that I wasn't a boy, or that I wasn't young enough. I grieve about not knowing what I'm good at because my mom always pointed about what was wrong with me or what I did wrong, rather than I did right.

I grieve about the lost of my paternal grandma, because I didn't get to atone for my selfishness. She has always been serving us grand kids, buying us the chips that we love. I grieve about not being able to pay back her kindness and her acts of service.

I grieve about the loss of my childhood yaya. She has loved me and has taken good care of me. I grieve about not being able to pay my last respects for her when she passed away in the province. She has given her entire life to me and I have not given anything back to her. I am ungrateful. I was a spoiled brat.

....to be continued...

I grieve about my unexpressed emotions. Those words that I meant to say...the screaming in my mind...but I didn't get to say...didn't have the guts to say.

I grieve about the jealousy I felt when my childhood bestfriend (whom I thought was going to be my best friend for life) "left me" for a new best friend when we were in Grade 3. I grieve about my loneliness, my aloneness, my repression. I grieve about the sword tearing through my heart.

I grieve about my incapability to grieve... about my lost of emotions... about the loss of my authentic self, which has not been fully unearthed, and yet already has been prematurely buried.

I grieve about the lost opportunities for quality time on Sundays with my mom and dad, when we were supposed to go to the mall together but didn't get to do so because some customer thought of picking up their orders on a Sunday, which was supposedly a sacred day with my family.

I grieve about my adolescent insecurity and for my last of gracefulness.

I grieve about the lack of connectedness with my brother (who has his own world with computers and gadgets and all things inanimate, who disappointed me for not living up to my expectations of what a loving, caring, big brother should be), and my elder sister (who has her own self-righteousness, love for reading about angels, aliens, and the Atlantis which I couldn't relate to), and my younger sister (who grew up being insecurity with her command of language).

I grieve about the lack of connectedness that I have with my mom, who fears about everything, judges everything. I grieve about how I bought into her discrimination towards the very culture of the country where I grew up in, because of hers and her parents' own share of bad experiences with this culture. I grieve about her fear of change for the better because she was afraid of failing.

I grieve about my not being trained to eat a healthy serving of vegetarian food and for my hookedness to junk, comfort food, and meat, which resulted to my eventual obesity and patterns of self-sabotage. I find my solace in food, then I blame myself for getting sick.

I grieve about my loss of intellectual purity.

I grieve about my loss of my special someone whom I bared my everything -- my deepest, darkest secrets, my emotions, my daily experiences, myself, when the relationship had to end.

I grieve about ending a relationship triggered by a belief in supernatural forces...forces that I myself are now beginning to believe myself (namely "energy" stuff) and thankfully, I still have awareness about the "free will" component. I grieve because my partner did not exercise free will to go against what was been "predicted", and instead acted through non-action. I felt abandoned, rejected, thrown away. It hurt.

I grieve about pursuing my MBA for the reason of forgetting the pain of the ending of a relationship and partly because of my ex's feedback that I should learn something about business (which is not exactly my 1st interest).

I grieve about taking up a college course with board licensure exams simply because it was a course for intelligent people like our batch valedictorian who was very well liked by the majority and very popular. I guess I wanted to be liked. And I felt that earning a license, a title, would give me that sense of accomplishment, that sense of recognition, that sense of belongingness.

I was looking for external validation when all I needed was within me. I joined different organizations during college in order to feel that sense of belongingness, that sense of usefulness, that sense of acceptance. But I all I really needed was to accept myself, inspite of my flaws and imperfections.

I grieve about postponing studying graphics design until the age of 32 when I already have that desire in me when I was 22. Ten years had passed. Now I feel so behind.

I grieve about not having the guts to work abroad because my mom always told me that I'm a girl, I'm not a boy, meaning I don't have the right to take on adventures and risks. My mom was always afraid that something would go wrong that's why she tried to shield us from harm with her fear. But what if beautiful things can also happen when we get out of our comfort zone and go for what we want? What if? I will not be able to say that I had lived a full life if I had not done what I wanted to do, what I was meant to do in this lifetime. I was meant to travel, see the world, go and make a difference in people's lives. I was meant to do great things and I can only start with those who are willing to accept what I can give. It's of no use giving something that people here are not ready to accept.

Do I have to be a boy in order to do great things? But I am a girl inside, with a facade of a boy outside. I am not happy to hide forever. A girl can also do great things. That is why I have strong admiration for strong women, because they possess qualities that I wish I had myself. They act in essence. They just are.

But I also behave like a boy in the sense that I oftentimes take on the role of protector. Because my brother is not man enough that go for the things that he want. He buys in the programs of my mom. He has grown in awareness ever since but it's still not enough for him to break free and live his life the way he wanted it to be.

I grieve for the lost of my thoughtfulness and my confidence in my ability to create because I have been breaking more than I can create.

I grieve for the lost of my slim, fit figure when I decided in my early high school years that I'd add on weight to balance out the look of my heavy-chestedness, which made me very self-conscious. My adding on weight destroy my posture. I began slouching a lot and now I can't straighten up my spine naturally. I've been carrying the heavy weights of my unfinished businesses too because of my unrealistic expectations that I could multi-task.

I grieve for the lost of my dental health. Now, my visits to the dentists have become more frequent and expensive, since I don't have HMO.

I grieve for the lost of my good memory. I used to memorize word for word what I learned in grade school. But in college, I began to forget. I have selectively memory and when the night approaches, I am not exactly myself. I sometimes speak incoherently. It is a source of embarrassment for me.

I grieve for my state of fragmentedness, for my different selves not living in harmony.

There's more to this list but I have to move on to my wish list because I'm running out of time...

My wish list...

I'd like to be a whole, integrated person wherein all my different "selves" are ONE and in HARMONY.
I'd like to live with abundance, comfort, and efficiency.
I'd would like to be financially capable.
I'd would like to live in a home that I can call my own, where there's love, peace and harmony.
I'd like to experience joy and bliss, with a loving, understanding husband/soulmate and two healthy, smart kids -- one boy, one girl.
I'd like to live a balanced life where there's work-life balance.
I'd like to put up a holistic creativity wellness learning center which believes that every individual is capable of transforming himself / herself to a better person through workshops that enhance confidence, creativity, and communication.
I'd like to develop specialization in web and graphics design because I'd like to convert my academic knowledge into practical use.
I'd like to use my talents in such a way that I can produce something beautiful and of value to mankind.
I'd like to experience myself living a life of integrity and authenticity.